Dog BlogHumans, it's Cooper. That's right. I'm back. Again.
Cooper wrote a blog. He wants to start doing that again. I decided to let him. That said, I assume no responsibility for the following. Especially the made-up words.
Humans, I AM BACK, in ALL CAPS, and that, my friends, means that today, no matter what happened before or what happens next, is a good day.
And as it turns out, I’M BACK for GOOD. It took some doing, but I nodgered my way into landing a weekly guest post here. (’Course, were it up to you and me, I’d post every day, making this CooperSneed.com, and by default, a better place to be. Definitely more fun. More….awesome. But we’ll take a weekly post, won’t we?)
(For now.)
First order of business: Lucy Miller, Don Miller’s lab, totally ripped me off. She’s cute, but it’s always the cute ones you gotta watch out for, am I right? (She’s also brilliant, evidently. She knew something good when she saw it. Since Brandon nixayed my postage, she jumped on that like that dog on Snooki’s head.)
I should stop babbling and explain.
About six years ago or so* I embarked on my first takeover. The first Coopster coup. It was glorious. Brandon left his laptop open that one day, and it was on.
*Brandon’s note: Or, in real life, or at least human years, 10 months.
Brandon, shut up. And go away.
I have way too much to tell you, dear readers. It’s been six years, after all.* (Shut UP already, Brandon. On and on with those little starry things—What do you call them? Asterisks? Who comes up with a word like asterisk, anyway? What do you mean, you didn’t invent the word? Why not? Are you too DUMB?
Wait, HEY! Where are you going? Are you really leaving? Again? What, leaving me alone for five days** at a time isn’t enough? AND IS THAT ANOTHER ASTERISK? ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THAT?)***
* Ten months.
** Seven hours. Long time, but amazingly, he didn’t poop and pee all over the place.
*** Chill with the all caps.
Are you done yet? Are we ever going to get this blog done? You’re going to bore everyone before I even say ANYTHING! Go away! No, wait, don’t—oh, okay, you’re just laying on the couch again.
Sorry people. Relationships are complicated, especially between animals and people.*
* Brandon’s no—
NO! No more asterisks! Sit there and press those buttons on that white thing and stare at that skinny black thing with the people in it! Yeah, make them shoot each other. Good boy.
So, yeah, relationships are complicated, but I’m back trying to talk about something else that’s complicated: Copyrights. Yeah. Copyrights. Especially in the dog world.
You see, there are some really dumb dogs out there. I mean really, really dumb. You humans have your blond jokes. We have our Pekingese jokes. Like, what did the Pekingese do when she saw a treat laying on the floor? SHE DIDN’T EAT IT! Hahahaha ….
Anyway….yeah, copyrights are complicated. You’d think that dogs would respect other dogs’ work. Like, say, if a certain lab in Portland were to read Cooper’s Takeovers.*
*
OH MY BLOODY - stop, already, you scallywag!*
* What are you, a pirate?
What are YOU, the Asterisk Bomber? Get out of here!
Why do you talk British, anyway? You’re totally American.
Ohhh, are we stopping with asterisks now and just interjecting at will? So polite.*
* Sorry.
Anyway, my apologies for all this nonsense. First time back, y’know. Bound to be rough around the edges, yeah?
All of that to say that, Lucy Miller, your human Don is great, and yeah, your writing is great, and yeah, your fur is that beautiful deep brown like the depths of my human Katie’s eyes, and maybe I do find you adorable, but what you did is simply unacceptable….
Oh, heck, I give. I can’t be mad. OK, maybe she did rip off my idea, but, for one thing, that just proves how smart she is, and imitation is the highest form of flattery. And for another thing, have you read her stuff? No? Go do that. She’s brilliant. Brillianter than most humans.
So here’s to you, Lucy. Thank you for finally convincing your human to allow your genius to be shared with the world. Thought we may live 3,000 miles away, one on one coast and one on the other, and though the journey would surely take a lifetime to complete, you should know that I feel that we are eternally—
DOG! BRANDON, DOG! OUTSIDE! IN THE STREET! I WANNA GO PLAY, I WANNA GO PLAY, OH PRETTY PLEASE, LET ME GO PLAY!*
* Cooper Jack, ladies and gentlemen. And not for the last time.
Reader Comments (4)
this ABSOLUTELY made my day.
thank you.
Haha, awesome, glad to hear it.
Cooper, you are awesome!
... Also, don't tell Brandon, but you are a much better writer than he is...
Katie,
I know, but thank you for saying so anyway.
Also, I don't tell Brandon, but I know that, too.
When are you going to be home? Why do you always leave? I love Brandon and all, but when he doesn't have to go anywhere, he never showers, and so he kinda smells. You always smell nice.